Neurodivergence Is Not A Superpower

I imagine it’s hard for a neurotypical person (NT) to understand that yes, I did do a superhuman amount of work in a short time, but it wasn’t really by choice. I had three whole weeks to do it, but I could never...Just. Get. STARTED. This could have been because I couldn’t find the right TV show or podcast to listen to in the background, because I couldn't sit still and focus, because the vibe was off, or any combination of those things. Time is an illusion and sometimes I can’t manage it for shit. 

I’m not overly sensitive about too many things, but I am about my symptoms. Don’t get me wrong, now: I roast myself on the regular, because coping is easier if I keep my sense of humor. I also jokingly trauma bond with other neurodivergents (NDs) because that’s how we show support.

But sometimes, ain’t shit funny. 

All the quirks and idiosyncrasies of ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), bipolar disorder, PTSD, and other like disorders that may be (understandably) amusing or trivial to an outsider are often soul-crushing for those of us who experience them as a constant reality. While they are a part of the larger neurodivergent experience, neurodivergence cannot and should not be reduced to, say, possessing knowledge on an array of subjects and/or being capable of high-level pattern recognition. There is much more baggage involved.

How do I explain to an NT that I don’t lose things due to irresponsibility; my persistent executive dysfunction means that my brain literally does not make a memory of where I put them? I’ve never lost anything truly important, but the fact that I could is more than slightly terrifying. 

I can see how watching me turn my house upside down and talk to myself while looking for my phone or my remote, or the lip balm I keep losing could be viewed as comical. To me, though, it’s my brain betraying me once again and it’s infuriating when an observer chuckles at my frustration or implies that I’m overreacting. Throw in the emotional dysregulation for which ADHD and ASD are notorious, and you can see how that could cause interpersonal conflicts. 

Speaking of that, imagine how hard it is to explain to somebody that I’m not losing my shit because the FireTV Stick keeps freezing. That was just the last straw. I’m actually losing my shit because I want to quit my job but can’t because I have bills, I just thought about something from two years ago that pissed me off all over again, there are too many dishes in my sink and I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t find some way to crawl out of my skin immediately.

How do I explain sensory issues and that being cold makes me so uncomfortable—and therefore irritable—that I can’t focus on anything else? How about the over-stimulation caused by constantly ringing phones, neverending emails and instant messages at work (before I switched jobs, at least), or too many people talking to me at the same time? I’m not just being irritable or a bitch, my limbic system is short-circuiting and I need everybody to just shut up for a second and let me think.

How can I make sense of the fact I once melted down and called out of work because none of my clothes felt “right”?

How can I make an NT person understand that people chewing or swallowing too loudly or the sound of certain voices are not simply pet peeves, they cause me actual psychological distress at times?

How do I convey that I’m not being lazy and that ADHD paralysis is a very real thing, when even my (former) psychologists and psychiatrists have said it's a “matter of motivation” and that I “don’t really want to do it”?

How do I explain that I’m really self-conscious about how many times I have to go back into the house or into a room because I forgot something? Or that being criticized for it or having it pointed out too much only makes my anxiety worse and therefore I get overwhelmed and even more likely to forget something else and start the cycle all over again?

For the most part, I know people aren’t even being malicious, and I’m aware that the situations I described can seem insignificant to somebody who doesn’t understand the nuances of the neurodivergent experience. I just wish they were insignificant to me, too. Instead, they’re reminders of my limitations; things that I can treat but never completely overcome. They remind me that these disorders affect every aspect of my life and even though fairness is in short supply in this world, I never asked for any of it. ADHD and autism are not cute or quirky and they’re not superpowers. They’re lifelong burdens. 

I also think that many people see me and assume that my perceived, stereotypical strength as a Black woman would provide me thicker skin. But I’ll get into that on another day, in another piece. 

I don’t need society to accommodate me, I just wish it understood me better.

It’s very loud inside my head.

I just need the world around me to be quiet sometimes.