With horror movies, I prefer the psychological and supernatural over the slasher. However, when it comes to the elder bladesmen, I’ve also always had a bit of an affinity for one Michael A. Myers. I think a large part of that is because the nigga don’t talk, and the introvert in me really receives that. I’m half-joking, but as far as Murder Mount Rushmore goes, he’s arguably the scariest and the most bearable.

Hear me out:

Freddy Krueger: Fucks with your sleep and has dad jokes. Madness. No, thank you.

Jason Voorhees: First of all, he’s an aggressive mouth breather, and the way my misophonia is set up…

Pinhead: Honestly: fashion goals. I’m leaving Leather Daddy out of this.

Ghostface: He calls people on the phone. Unannounced. I’m not scared, I’m annoyed and I’m also not answering. FOH.

Daniel Robitaille/He Who Has the Hook: He transcends this conversation, and I keep his name out my mouth as much as possible.

If I look out my window and see Jason, what I really see is an aging Casey Jones, clearly still down bad after April O’Neil left him.

If Freddy’s out there, I’m openly roasting his busted fedora and jacked-up acrylics. I don’t care.

Leatherface is basically a giant child who just happens to like meat mask cosplay. That’s not my ministry, but it’s clearly theirs.

Ghostface appears to be in a constant state of carnal ecstasy.

More like O-Face.

I’ll see myself out.

However, if I look out and see Michael Myers: I have a problem with that situation and I don’t wanna play no more. Now, John Carpenter’s 1978 original is basically a master class in horror filmmaking, but the Halloween movies in and of themselves are not scary to me.

Myers, though?

He is aesthetically, conceptually, and objectively terrifying. A painted Captain Kirk mask should not be that unsettling.

Overall, Nick Castle’s portrayal of Myers is my favorite, and I just don’t acknowledge any movie between Halloween II and Halloween: H20. This interpretation is admittedly chaotic and includes retcons and alternate timelines, but I’m an admittedly chaotic person.

I really like H2O, but that was Laurie MF’n Strode’s show, and Mike’s mask in that one is a little dodgy. Rob Zombie’s remakes were understandably polarizing, but I did enjoy them at the time for the crude, B-movie excess. It’s worth mentioning that Tyler Mane’s monstrous 6’9”, 295-pound Michael Myers is unquestionably more physically intimidating than Castle’s, yet I somehow don’t find him quite as menacing.

Maybe him talking as a child in the Zombie films ruined the mystique, because to me, the scariest thing about Myers has always been the complete vacancy. The Shape is an empty shell; technically human, and also an ambiguously supernatural, virtually unstoppable thing. There is no light behind those dead black eyes. He is simply not there.

Except, he’s always there.

Stalking.

Watching.

Waiting.

Like what you read? Support me on Ko-fi.

The Perfect Boogeyman

Medicine Cabinet Killers: The Murder of Ruthie Mae McCoy

Beware of the Boo Hag